Day 61: Submersed
In the last few days, I have been thinking about the film by Luc Besson, The Big Blue. I didn't like that film when I saw it. Either I couldn't understand it or didn't want to, or I did understand it and hated it.
I guess it happened about a week or so ago as if someone had flicked a switch. I stopped feeling things the way I always have. At first, I just went through the motions of my own feelings, then I became aware that there were barely there. I'm emotionally numb. Something I don't think ever happened before. I would remember if it had. I have a good memory like that.
Bodily sensations are there, but the intensity with which I have always experienced things is so distant as to feel like a faded perfume. I remember the worry, the obsession, the fire.
Now, having lost my best friend, I register a faded pain, dull and old, like being submersed, receiving the sound waves through the water. Still there, but almost unrecognizable. Perhaps I should be grateful for this. It means that I can go back to practical aspirations. But I don't really care, one way or the other.
I imagine that this should be devastating, that my face should become wet with tears, my throat bitter with despair. Not much happens. Maybe a current pushes in a different direction, but I cannot see the change at all, I have no impulse to do anything about it. For the first time in my life, I might have no real preference for any option.
Not really cobalt, more like low chroma azure.
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